And so it’s come to this. One week to to rule them all, one week to sort them. One week to rank them all, and amidst the buffalo wings crown them! This is why we have a fantasy football league, gentlemen, for Sunday showdowns like the ones I am about to describe. We’ve got 12 squads, 1 playing for pride, 2 playing for passion, 7 playing for playoff lives, and 2 fighting for the title. Let’s get to it then, to the greatest week in KeeperLeague Your Pants On history in the league where we play…
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To get paid. (May we one day get paid enough to marry this woman and sleep with these two on the side…)
[Side Note: NFL Picks WILL be back tomorrow!!]
Armageddon for a Title…Sort of
Jeff Green’s Mom (8-4, 1142.6 points) vs. Tampa Bay D (8-4, 1246.6)
It was only a short 3 days ago when the league message boards were ablaze for the first time this season with an angered Sir Chucks-a-Lot rising to defend the honor of the mother of a former basketball player at his alma mater’s fantasy team, but the steam is still simmering off those coals. In his passionate speech, GM Von Althann noted that the Mommies are 6-1 in their last 7, and have posted an impressive 105.6 PPG since week 6. The authors of this post have further noted the stable of talent within the mother’s womb what with Brady, Grant, Wells, Fitz, Favre, and a resurgent Maroney leading the team back to respectability. Still, only one of Favre or Brady can play, and one must wonder whether the GM should have spent less time researching his own points scoring records and more time working on a trade to bolster his soft WR2 spot. Certainly HGH looked to be in the market… On the other side of the ball, we have Cinderella story TBD, whose playoff fate is indeed tbd and whose story will be one to follow through the postseason. Brian Westbrook’s injury was somewhat mitigated by Ced Benson’s return to health, but despite being the 3rd highest scoring team in the league it is difficult to envision a playoff run for a team centered around Tony Romo. For this week, however, thanks in small part to JGM’s benching of Braylon Edwards and his 11.2 points, and in large part to some brutal, brutal matchups for Mommies, we like the TBD to complete the miracle run and crown themselves regular season titleists for the first time – big. TBD not so unclearly, 120-85.
“This is My Mexico” – and the rest of the league supports that…
The Athletic Supporters (6-6, 1387.6) vs. The Destroyers (5-7, 1096)
We thought about holding off on this preview to the end, but we just couldn’t wait. Rumor has it NBC is looking to flex this matchup into the primetime slot as it will likely come down to a Monday Night showdown between Aaron “Still Waiting” Rodgers and Greggy “Spider Beetle” Jennings vs. Donald “the Duke” Driver. This is what it’s all about as the highest scoring team in the league is, for the very first time, its marquee franchise. GM Buckley has been spewing heat all season, angering the fantasy gods, about his team’s excellence, even going so far as to drop this bomb on rival GM Lescroart of HGH (unedited): “”im just convinced that i have the best team i have ever owned and dammit it has taken me YEARS to build it.” Well, the “best team [he] has ever owned” is one loss and some bad luck away from missing the playoffs. Will it happen? Certainly if it does not it won’t be for lack of effort on the part of yet another rival GM – note how many rivals this gentleman has! – GM Flaherty of The Destroyers. Let’s go to the tape! ESPN foresees some difficult matchups for the Supporters, and combined with some favorable ones for the Destroyers, this really could be a closer game than expected. At QB GM Flaherty has to be excited about the potential for Donnie McNabby vs. Atlanta, a team rocking the 29th ranked pass defense as per FO stats. While Aaron Rodgers certainly can put up numbers vs. Baltimore’s porous secondary, he must also be wary of sack-fumbles and INT’s against the wolves of the AFC North. Another key is over at the RB position, where fantasy god Chris Johnson squares off against the defense maybe best designed to contain him, and the one that held him to a mere 3.8 points in his first matchup. While we hardly predict a repeat performance, we are quite sure the team that has allowed the fewest 20+ yard runs in the NFL this season will hold CJ below his recent standard of 40000, greatly aiding the Destroyer cause. Frankly, we think the Supporter point base this week is going to have to come from Vernon Davis and the beloved Chad “Oh How I Miss Thee” Ochocinco. Davis we feel comfortable will put up numbers. Will Ocho in the new, boring Bengals O? We say yes, but will it be enough? We love Vinny J vs. Cleveland, we love the Jacobs/Barber head to head which we predict will re-introduce Jacobs to his fantasy owners, and we love the Saints D to have a sleeper huge day vs. Washington. In my best HBO Lederman card voice: OK, Jim, ESPN has it 125-117 Supporters after 3 days of football, I’ve got it 0-0 after one day (Thursday), 100-85 Destroyers after two days (Sunday), and… … … … 115-114 DESTROYERS AFTER 3 DAYS, JIM, ITS GONNA BE A GREAT FIGHT, BACK TO YOU JIM!
Ain’t Never Been Nothin’ But A Winner
World F*cking Champs (6-6, 1135.8) vs. Unleashed Monsters (6-6, 1225.8)
In order to echo the apropos words of Bear Bryant next week, these two teams each need a win in this pivotal showdown for a playoff spot. Sadly, the matchup got off to a rather inauspicious start Thursday night – not that it could be helped with those two circus acts masquerading as NFL teams on the field – with the Monsters out to an early 5.2-3.4 lead. While this game may not have the fanfare and fireworks of the previous matchup, it is this battle which will determine the playoff lives of the most teams this weekend. As outlined earlier this week, many a team will have a strong rooting interest in this game, and if you were an advertiser for something cool having to do with smartphones, you might want to throw your ad up on the “refresh boxscore” link to this one. The Champs are currently predicted to come away with a 125-117 win, and a perusal of the matchups certainly backs up ESPN’s assertion that we will see a barnburner here despite the slow start. Matt “See, I was Irrelevant Back in College Too” Forte has frustrated owners all season, but in this one, glorious outing GM Miller will get to watch him romp all over a pathetic St. Louis Rammies squad ranking dead last against the run. This plus the Air Peyton to Wayne vs. a suspect Tennessee secondary is sure to put points on the board. That said, the Monsters boast Philly “I Was Jay Cutler Until Jay Cutler Took Over Everything Bad About Jay Cutler” Rivers vs. Cleveland plus Randy Moss and Marques Colston vs. anyone is a nice little trio. These two managers have been quiet on the boards this season, choosing instead to work the back channels of league discussion to make their presence known. This week both groups of players do the talking, but we like the Champs to saddle up for a playoff ride of vengeance after last year’s disappointing conclusion to a regular season title season. Champs, 118-112.
The “All-Your Keepers Seemed Unfair At the Start of the Season/League” Bowl
Tig Ol’ Bitties (5-7, 1066.2) vs. Team 15 (6-6, 1203.8)
It’s hard to believe, but this will be yet another season of disappointment for a team that counts Steven “Please Trade Me” Jackson and Adrian “Why Doesn’t Anyone Talk About the Fact I Fumble All the Time” Peterson as its two long term players. Likewise, when Team 15 slotted LDT and Brian “Questionable – Grade II Concussion” Westbrook into its keeper slots several years ago, many thought we were looking at a dynasty. Alas, neither team has tasted championship glory, although Team 15 has been a staple of the league’s playoffs since its inception. Still, GM Gavigan’s squad is more reminiscent of his beloved late-Marino era Dolphins playoff staples than a modern day Colts or Pats squad, and when he finally opted to let Westbrook hit the draft this season we here at the Flow had to wonder if we were seeing the beginning of the Jimmy Johnson era… Next year LDT will be gone too, so you will be looking at an entirely new squad next season for the dreaded Team 15. One has to wonder if the Bitties will heed this warning and shake its squad up sooner than that. No matter, neither will be defending a championship, and the most exciting part about this matchup will be GM Buckley’s frantic texts of glee as he watches the Bitties pull off the upset, knock 15 into the consolation bracket and rebuilding mode, and make his dreams of a playoff run to a championship a reality…at least for one more week. Bitties in a stunner (except ESPN predicted it too) as 15 looks to turn the page, 109-77.
The “50 Cent I’m Inta Havin’ Sex I Ain’t Inta Makin’ Love” Bowl
My Couch Pulls Out But I Don’t (6-6, 1169.2) vs. Big Fake Boobies… Are Cool (5-7, 1143.6)
Here we find an intriguing matchup between two raging libidos, and we particularly note the difference in styles of the East and West coasts respectively. While East Coast JayFromJersey is blunt and direct with his statement of fact regarding how he deals with women, West Coast (ORIGINAL A.I.M.!) BFlow is more playful and upper body oriented. Not entirely sure what that all means, but I do know I like it. The West Side comes into the matchup on a startling 6 game losing streak, one that has all but eliminated them from playoff contention, as they find themselves needing a blowout win, a WFC loss, and to outscore T15 by more than 60 in order to squeak in. In their favor is the fact that ESPN is predicting a huge week from them, and we are predicting a dismal week for Team 15. Against them is the fact that ESPN is likewise predicting a huge week from the East Coast representative of the 50cent bowl, and we are also predicting a WFC upset of the Monsters. Still, this game should be an entertaining battle between two feisty teams with the hottest/most promiscuous cheerleaders in the league. In fact, rumor out of San Diego has it that GM Flood got caught in a love triangle with 4 different cheerleaders, drawing focus away from his team and resulting in his dreadful late season swoon. JfJ, on the other hand, has come in hot, winning 3 of 4 despite a close setback to JGM last week that may still cost him a playoff spot. We love the Boobies matchups, especially Mendenhall, AJ, and Schaubie, and therefore like the upset here, opening up a whole mess of playoff possibilities…including the au natural’s sneaking in the back door…pun intended…to the playoffs. Fake Titties, 116-109.
Just the Least Exciting Game of the Week
HGH V: Title Resurgence (7-5, 1250.2) vs. 1-2-3 Boom Toby (4-8, 1152.6)
Just as GM Lescroart feared, the Resurgence missed the opportunity to kick GM Pratt and co. while they were down, and they now square off against one of the hotter teams in the league. The lingerie models to the previous games Penthouse freaks, the Boomers are just sexual teases. There was no bigger headline story during the preseason than GM Pratt’s decision to eschew the drafting tactics that led him to be the winningest manager in league history in order to “get some of Buckley’s sexy back from him,” and the decision has rendered his team largely impotent this season. Still, the team is teeming with keeper potential, and only injuries to SuperFreak, Run DMC, and DeAngelo Williams will keep the squad from running the consolation table to the first overall pick next season. In a fun little side story, GM Gavigan has actually pulled into a dead heat with GM Pratt on top of the “most wins in league history” leaderboard with 34, and I suppose the greater Greenwich and Gainesville areas will be tuning in to see who can hold that honor into next season. GM Lescroart was asked about this earlier in the day and responded with a less than classy “I can’t even see those standings because of the glare of my championship ring,” to which GM Pratt is rumored to have responded “no, that’s not the glare that’s just because you’re so far down [ed. Note, GM Lescroart is dead last] in them you can’t even see me.” A little rivalry brewing for next year? Perhaps. As for this season, HGH may have spent too much time resting on his laurels as he has watched his chance for the regular season title slip by the wayside while getting blown out in back to back games weeks 10 and 11, and now has Roddy “I Just Went from Matt Ryan to Chris Redman” White and Steve “%&#*@&” Slaton parked on the bench for this pivotal seeding matchup. We like the Boomers to continue their roll here, but watch out for the defending champions in the playoffs, they will not go down without a fight… Boomers, 109-91.
