No, seriously, we may or may not be back, but we do think that we are at least going to give an effort next week towards starting up the B-Flow again because goddammit I think it would be fun.  And admit it, if you’re one of the 3 people who have RSS feed and got this message, so do you!!!!  We will focus still on gambling, hypothetical gambling of course, within the context of baseball (as it is in season), and fantasy baseball which is where this whole silly thing started.  The Flow has lot’s of opinions and few mediums to express said opinions, so let’s heat it back up!!  I promise if you read this every day your fantasy baseball team will improve.   I promise.

First of all, if you clicked beyond the jump on this post you are crazy, but if you did, you will…. …. … be disappointed.  Because the only thing I want to do here is acknowledge the impetus behind the return of the B-Flow.  Side note: Yes, I will do my damndest to involve Fatso in every post I can.

While in a semi-drunken stupor late this evening, I decided to click on my own fantasy baseball team.  Sparing you details about who is and who isn’t on the team, allow me to note that the following gentlemen were starting on 96% of fantasy teams Yahoo-wide: Miguel Cabrera and Matt Kemp.  Now, I am no fantasy genius, despite what I may at times attempt to portray (after all I drafted Jeremy Hermida for 2 straight years…  maybe this year he – just stop.) but anyone who has Miguel Cabrera and/or Matt Kemp and is NOT starting them is either a) insane or b), and more likely, not actually playing or starting anyone.  Can Yahoo work on adjusting that?  I mean even accounting for people in 2 team leagues sitting Kemp against Lincecum (yes, this scenario is made up) Mr. Kemp should not be seated 1% of the time much less 4%.  WHO SITS MY BOY MATT KEMP!?!??!  That’s basically what this has come down to now that I have attempted to take a sober re-read of the preceding paragraph.

Other quick hits that you should know and are probably more interesting than anything to this point so Brandon and ….   and nobody else will get these nuggets of fun info:

1) If your fantasy stud is hitting .240 after 20 games, relax.  If he is hitting .340, similarly, relax.  Did you know, and I’m sure if you thought about it you did, that it only takes 5 hits called errors + unreal web gems + other quirky anomalies per 100 AB’s to shift a BA 50 freaking points???  So really your “stud” at .340 on May 1 is probably, intelligently speaking, only a couple of hits better than my “bum” at .240 on the season.  If both are predicted to hit .290 for fantasy purposes we can use sloppy math and assume values are relatively equal still – allowing for the fact that 1 month is unlikely to change our perception of “true value” of the players – and that this presents an excellent opportunity to smoke someone on a trade opportunity.

2) Lance Berkman’s season is in big trouble.  Trust me.  I read a lot of injury blogs you don’t know exist.  And I know what surgeries lie ahead and what they mean.

3) Reverting back to (1), be careful if that first month that is “irrelevant” is actually confirming prior suspicions of decline.  Like if Brian Roberts doesn’t steal a base.

4) Edinson Volquez will be back by August 15.  He will not have command until 2011.

5) Ted Lilly is ridiculously underrated.  Ignore the “setback” he just had, it’s NBD, get him now.

6) Pay attention to Josh Hamilton’s advanced hitting data.  Seriously.  Take a trip to FanGraphs.com, and follow it.  He needs to not swing at pitches out of the zone, swing at ones in the zone, and make contact when he does swing more than he has been in recent trending.

7) Finally, I give you a list of players I own on all 3 of my fantasy teams.  I see websites doing this all the time to signify dudes they value more than most dudes value said dudes.  Dudes.  Regardless, I actually think this exercise has merit, so here you go:  Brett Anderson, Francisco Liriano, Colby Lewis, Clay Buchholz, Carlos Beltran, Frank Francisco.

Here are the dudes I have on 2 teams: Matt Kemp, Colby Rasmus, Ian Stewart, Mike Gonzalez, Billy Wagner, Adam Jones.

ENJOY!!!  And I promise we’ll write something intelligent next week.  We may even use SQL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kris 'n' Anna Kringle

These days, it’s been a lot more of this

This motion was filed yesterday in Jefferson County, Alabama. Enjoy. And, obviously, Roll Tide!

Comes now Jon B. Terry, as one of the attorneys for the Defendants and would move to
continue the current trial setting of January 4, 2010 and as grounds therefore would aver as
follows:

1. This case was set for trial several months ago before certain monumental events occurred
that were beyond the anticipation of the attorneys and the clients.

2. Since the setting of this case, one of the two great college football teams in this State has
reached levels on a national scale that have not been enjoyed by any team in this State in 17 years next preceding the date hereof.

3. Currently, one of the two great teams in this State are playing for a national championship
and has enjoyed an undefeated season and clinched the SEC Title Game.

4. Most of the attorneys representing all of the named Defendants have tickets and reservations to be in Pasadena on the 6th day of January, 2010, which date would conflict with the trial date as travel times and schedules for the game overlap the trial as currently set.

5. In fact, the Honorable Jim Lloyd has children that live in the area and is scheduled to be
with them in California to celebrate the game and the Tide s success.

6. Attempts to resolve this conflict directly with the Plaintiffs has been unfruitful as the
reply has been that they are for the other great team in this State who did not make the playoffs.
Unfortunately, that response remains short-sighted as they may one day find themselves in the
same position that the Defendant attorneys are in and, unfortunately, the BSC Title Game is no
longer scheduled on January 1st, but has been moved to January 7th.

7. In checking with your Honor s Office, it was determined that there are potential quick
dates available during March, the only known conflict being that Jim Lloyd has recently been
elected President of the Birmingham Bar and must attend a conference on March 10-12. Other
than that, the Defendants can be ready to be first out during any available week for trial during the month of February, March, or April and believe that there would be no harm, considering the
magnitude of this event and its impact on this State, and the fact such an event only comes
infrequently during a person s lifetime and is an achievement of such a magnitude that all
involved in this litigation should want everyone to fully participate in this achievement.

8. It is also understood that many of the witness involved are trying to acquire tickets to the
game and/or scheduled to be at the game in Pasadena on January 7th and certainly any juror
selected to participate will likely be preoccupied and not able to devote their full attention to the
case before them during the week of January 4, 2010, and therefore, the parties would be
prejudiced by the distraction caused by such a major event of such significant importance to so
many people in this State.

9. ROLL TIDE!! ( although my secretary is for the other great team of this State, she feels
that I need to attend this championship game!); and may the Longhorns be defeated.

______/s/ Jon B. Terry________________

JON B. TERRY
OF COUNSEL:
BAINS & TERRY

]]> http://thebflow.com/lawyers-doing-something-funny-257/feed/ 0 http://thebflow.com/coach-brat-speaks-253/ http://thebflow.com/coach-brat-speaks-253/#comments Tue, 15 Dec 2009 19:05:31 +0000 tide182 http://thebflow.com/?p=253 …And, shockingly, it’s not good news.  In honor of the outstanding WDR post commenting on Hobson’s Choice over on Bengals.com, let’s go through some of Bengals’ Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski’s thoughts on his team’s total lack of an aerial attack, playcalling variety, or general explosiveness.  To set the stage, however, let’s start with what WR Andre Caldwell thinks about the situation – you will notice his views seem to echo the general Bengal follower consensus:

“We’re not going down the field as much and they’re sitting on a lot of out routes. They’re scheming us like that, I think we need to take a couple of shots down the field to open things up. They’re not respecting us going deep. We haven’t been doing it much.”

Interesting, verrrry interesting.  Now, what about Bob?

Bob: “The (Vikings) had a good plan, they jammed the heck out of the receivers. They rode them up the line…

B-Flow: And it’s already getting awkward…

Bob: “and rode them up the field five yards and let the four-man rush get there. With the noise in that building it doubles the job of the offensive linemen. It makes it harder. The hope was that we could run it and hit our play-action shots down the field and they really didn’t want to give us that.

B-Flow: This seems like a good time to bring up Gameplanning 101.  “The hope was that we could run it and hit our play-action shots down the field.”  Really, Bob?  Really?  That was the plan?  We are talking about a team that using advanced statistics was 19th vs. the pass and 1st – that’s right, number 1, best in the league – vs. the run and our plan was to run it and then work play-action? Using conventional statistics the Vikings have a similar split, 16th vs. the pass and 6th vs. the run, and this is AFTER giving up only 94 yards through the air against over 100 on the ground vs. the Bengals. Given these numbers, how can the gameplan POSSIBLY  be to do what we always do, attempt to run it up the middle on the best DT tandem in recent NFL history?  This doesn’t even bring up the fact that Arizona provided a perfect blueprint of how to beat the Vikings last week, namely, throwing the football on 22 of 32 first half plays en route to a 21-10 halftime lead. This means that either Bobby knows his wideouts cannot get open – note that this may be because a) they aren’t talented (not likely), or b) because they haven’t run a pattern over 8 yards since week 2 and therefore are having every route jumped as described by Andre “Einstein” Caldwell above, you decide – or that he is too stupid to understand that the best teams are the best teams specifically because they are MULTIPLE, and can run or pass as is dictated by a combination of situation and opponent.  It’s all well and good to “stamp your will” on a football game by “doing what you always do,” but given the overwhelming evidence against this strategy vs. this particular opponent it comes across as stubborn and myopic.

The second problem with this quote is “they really didn’t want to give us that.”  Uhh… WHAT?  The opposing team “didn’t want to give you” what you wanted so you just shut it down?  What does that even mean?  Of course they didn’t want to give you that, they don’t give ANYONE that, that’s how they succeed!  They stop the run first and foremost, and sit two safeties over the top to prevent big hits on play-action.  IT’S THE SAME VIKINGS DEFENSE IT HAS BEEN FOR 5 YEARS!

Bob (continuing to enlighten us on the Vikings defensive tendencies): “They said they were going to stay in a two-high (safety) shell most of the game and jam the receivers and see if we could beat them by just running the ball.”

What an excellent decision by them!  What was your strategy to counteract this?  What?  You didn’t have one?  Further, your lead back actually DID rush for 6 YPC against this elite defense, and you still didn’t sniff the opponent!  And why, pray tell – and this is directed at Carson as well – is it that anytime a team even so much as suggests they might show/stay in a cover-2 that you basically concede attempting a throw over 10 yards?  People still throw on a cover-2, Bob.  Seriously, you yourself used to do it in 2005!  Are you telling me in 2005 and 2006 when Carson averaged almost 4000 yards per season, a 65% completion rate, 30 touchdowns, and, most importantly, almost 12 yards per completion that opposing defenses never showed you a cover-2?  I understand that you’ve swapped TJ for Coles, but if nothing else hasn’t this season shown us that TJ was a product of Chad and not the other way around?  And it’s not exactly like TJ was a burner in the first place.  Yes, the Chris Henry loss hurts, but you weren’t exactly winging it down the field when he was there – the guy never had more than 3 catches in a game.  One last point on this one, if you were saying you didn’t want to throw beyond 10 yards because it was too risky against the cover-2, well, I wouldn’t agree with it but it would at least be somewhat comprehensible.  What has actually happened, however, is that you’ve simply cut the field into 10 yard windows so it’s like you’re throwing in the Red Zone all the way down the field (notoriously more difficult because less space to defend), and as a result Carson is throwing incredibly dangerous balls into triple coverage all over the place except they’re on 6 yard ins instead of 50 yard bombs.  50 yard bombs present a risk-reward proposition that is acceptable, as an interception usually turns into nothing more than an early punt – a punt, btw, that would be about 15 yards longer than your punter provides on a weekly basis.  An interception on a 6 yard in, however, is a big problem.  The risk-reward of throwing to a triple covered 6 yard in is not acceptable.  The 6 yard ins are all triple covered because the safeties are jumping routes like they’re LA cops on Rodney King.  I apologize for the crudeness of the comment, but it’s getting ridiculous.  It’s called a slant and go, Bob, Jon Gruden yells about them every Monday Night.  He calls them “sluggo’s.”  Read up on them.

Bob: “There were guys that struggled yesterday,” [Bratkowski said of the receivers trying to get open] “Part of the plan was to jam the receivers and drop the linebackers deep, which means by the time you combine the pass rush and the receivers getting jammed, they’re a little slow to the break points, and the pass rush gets to you. If they had more time in some cases they might have got open. They didn’t have the time and they were getting ridden off the line of scrimmage and we didn’t get off the line as well as we should have.”

B-Flow: I am not even going to grace this admission of lack of athleticism in his wideouts directly, but I will point out 2 things: 1) the Vikings corners outside of Antoine Winfield are atrocious, 2) you, Bob Bratkowski, oversaw the drafting of one “Jerome Simpson” in the 2nd round of the 2008 draft.  I put “Jerome Simpson” in quotes because Bengal fans are unsure if, in fact, he really exists.  He has dressed for zero games.  Ever.  Now, you drafted this gentleman ostensibly for his athleticism, but apparently you won’t let him play because “he can’t contribute on special teams,” and is “still learning the offense.”  It’s been two years, and all you need the guy to do to open it up for you is play Chris Henry’s role of running straight down the field just to stretch the defense.  You never threw to Henry anyway, so who cares if Simpson isn’t in the right place.  At least he’s stretching the field.  Maurice Purify and Quan Cosby are dressing instead.  You didn’t deem either of those gentlemen draft worthy, and again, Jerome was a 2nd rounder.  They are part of our league worst coverage units.  We already have two wideouts who start and don’t play special teams that can’t run more than 10 yards (Coles, Caldwell), why not start one who can at least run that far and get off a goddamned jam? Oh,  and you know what else is really good for beating a physical cover-2?  A good receiving tight end that can split the seam.  Yea, like you drafted in the 3rd round – that’s right, the number 1 receiving tight end in NCAA history.  Oh, what’s that, you decided to IR him for the season because you “weren’t going to dress him?”  Why?  Oh, because he doesn’t contribute on special teams…  Sigh.  When did our ST coach become the most powerful man on the team?

Bob [from Bengals.com on the ridiculous screen at the end of the half]: “Bratkowski said one of the receivers didn’t release quickly enough and get downfield fast enough to aid the guard in his block.”

B-Flow: Bob, you called a screen pass with the clock running and 11 seconds to go in the half after you had just run a draw with 2 timeouts and used neither of them from your own 30 yard line and you are contending the problem is that a receiver didn’t release quickly enough to get a block on the corner?  Really?  Of course Hobson won’t mention that receiver was Coles – I know, I watched the tape because I am psycho – because Hobson loves Coles and was quoted only last week as saying what a great blocker he was.  Too bad he isn’t as all objective measures confirm, and this play highlights.  Dammit!  You got me distracted, Bob, again!  The real problem here is, when you are on your own 20 (as the Bengals are to start every possession after a kickoff when Bernard Scott isn’t playing, thanks Quan!) with 25 seconds left, you can either kneel or go for the FG, but nothing inbetween.  When you ran a draw the first play that was disappointing and stupid, but, you could at least have argued for the surprise 20 yard gain there.  Either way, after that play, based on the result of that play you must a) call one of your two timeouts remaining to try to continue to get to FG range as there are now 16 seconds left (5 more ticked off as Carson tried to rush the team to the line for no reason), or b) assume the 9 yard draw wasn’t enough to get to FG range in time, and just run into the locker room.  That’s right, YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO RUN A FREAKING PLAY!  Not only did you, stupidly, but you compounded that stupid decision with an even more unfathomable one by calling a screen to an essential FULLBACK with 11 seconds to go in the half and the clock running at your own 30!?!?  If there were no defenders on the field Brian Leonard could not have run into FG range and gotten out of bounds in time to kick anything better than a 60 yard field goal.  There is no possible logical explanation for this playcall.  “We were trying to get the FG” is not acceptable, nor is “we wanted to run out the clock.”  The screen was the wrong call for either of those options and frankly to spend more time on this is infuriating.

Bob [and finally, on my boy Andre Smith, 6th overall pick]: “He had too many critical mistakes and it’s from a lack of playing. He’ll be a good player. He’s shown signs in the last three weeks. He’s had outstanding blocks. He can’t have those critical mistakes, particularly with the (small) amount of plays. Two crucial mistakes and not playing every down, what happens if you play every down?”

First of all, if two critical mistakes from an O-Lineman is too many to warrant playing time, then I’m not entirely sure we’ve got 5 on the roster who can play on a weekly basis.  Fortunately for Bengals fans, we’ll never have to find out what happens if he plays every down, because despite being the best RT on the roster RIGHT NOW, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from Bob over the years it’s that he prefers the known quantity over the relative unknown even if that known quantity is a known suck and the relative unknown has upside.  Roland we know cannot pass block (we even go so far as to insert Anthony Collins in at RT on passing downs), and we also know is an inferior run blocker to Smith, again, by objective measures.  However, because Bob knows what to expect from Roland – suckiness – and doesn’t know what to expect from Andre – random mistakes with potential for awesomeness – he goes with what he knows.  This is also what happened with Purify and “Jerome Simpson.”  It’s also what happened with JP Foschi – who couldn’t make a roster in preseason – and 3rd round perfect fit for our team Chase Coffman.  The Bengals aren’t good enough to win against reasonable teams with those players.  If Bob doesn’t figure that out soon, this team is certainly incapable of going beyond the divisional round, and potentially capable of losing their last 3 to miss the playoffs altogether.

A snippet of what to expect:

Up for sale is an actual vial of Tim Tebow’s tears. These tears, squeezed from multiple tissues and shoulders at the Georgia Dome, may not be the last tears we see from Tim Tebow, but they may certainly be the most valuable to any and all Gator Haters throughout the world.

After being held to 13 points and being unable to score any points in the entire second half, Tebow let these tears fly, just like his chances of winning the Heisman or another National Championship as a senior. His red zone interception during the third quarter likely sealed the Gators’ fate, ensuring Alabama’s shot at the BCS National Championship game.

Here’s some information about these tears, how you will receive them, and what they can do for you:

> These tears will come in a glass vial similar to the one shown in this aucition’s pictures. Due to the volatile nature of Tim Tebow’s tears, finding a recepticle to contain these tears can be unpredictable, but it is important to know that you will be getting actual tears from the ducts of #15.*

> Though little experimentation has been done on these tears, early studies have shown that these tears may have the ability of non-surgically circumcising a child as well as returning one’s virginity upon dousing.

>  The Vial of Tim Tebow’s Tears makes a great Holiday Gift for Florida State, Georgia, Alabama, LSU, Tennessee, and any other Gator hating fan.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask on the listing!

Oh, and lot’s of this – the 12 to 25 second mark being the highlight.  To be fair to Timmy lovers everywhere, he was dating this consolation prize, which, you know, is okay.

I can’t stop laughing right now.  Did you see him turning down his volume a little bit on the Rocky repeat track so you could hear better?  Steelers fans are the pits.  P.I.T.S.  And now they’re out of the playoffs too, phenomenal.  Here’s another example of the world class Pittsburgh fans on YouTube, unintentional hilarity will ensue (warning, NSFW explicit language – shocking, I know, from PIT fans):

My favorite, to one of his “rival YouTubers:” “You’re a f*ckin’ p*ssy, kid, best thing you can do is just stay off of YouTube or [some mumbojumbo I can't understand], you ain’t got what it takes.”  Here’s another “you got a goddamned second rate f*ckin football team with a goddamned third rate f*ckin football quarterback.”

Uhm.  Yikes!  Slowly back away from the computer Steelers fans, slowly back away…

Old School^20

Hobson’s Choice! Hobson’s Choice! Hobson’s Choice!

Q: I know many fans recently have been questioning how bad the passing game has been. In the Lions game I heard coach Brian Billick talk about how Carson has been playing badly in our current system where he has to manage the game and be perfect on passing downs. Is that true and can the style of play really affect a QB by that much? Coach also said that our bread and butter has been the 15- to 20-yard passing plays with three wide receivers and we haven’t been playing to that system. What are your thoughts on this and in general about our passing game?
–John F., Columbus, OH

JOHN: It has to get better, obviously, but I’m old school on Palmer.

To emphasize this, he refuses to edit his work. It’s old school, bitches.

He’s 9-3 and that’s what you want out of your quarterback.

Yes, finally someone who gets it! The Cowboys won the Super Bowl in ’95, and that’s what you want out of your head coach. The Bengals are 9-3, and that’s what you want out of your extra-point game. Tiger Woods is the number one golfer in the world, and that’s what you want out of your husband (What a cultural reference! Topical!).

He throws TDs when he has to (Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Baltimore), he doesn’t throw many picks

He’s in the bottom-half of the league in interception percentage, but why let facts get in the way of a good old school argument?

and he’s tougher than Under Armour. I’m sure Ben Roethlisberger and Joe Flacco and Tony Romo and Matt Schaub and Kurt Warner and all the other guys that have numbers better than Palmer would trade them for his crunch-time efforts.

Because they’re incapable of doing the same, obviously. They don’t have the coolness, or the silent presence of a redeemed Tank Johnson, or the old-school arguments favoring them that are necessary when coming big in the clutch.

(Oh, and by the way: clutch is BS)

The problem with the passing game is not Palmer. The guy many people feel is his best receiver, Chris Henry, is out for the year, they lost the most reliable receiver in the NFL when T.J. Houshmandzadeh left in March, and the guy they drafted for the future, second-rounder Jerome Simpson, must not be able to pick up the system because he hasn’t been active for a game this year.

It’s not so much that the offense is different.

It is sooooo much this. The system has changed because of the personnel, but it surely isn’t the same. There’s no more no-huddle or three-wide sets incorporated into the gameplan, which is a large reason why the passing game is not the same.

It’s that Palmer is throwing to a different cast of characters than he was in 2005 and 2006. They’ve got talent, but it’s nowhere near where it was in the pass-happy days because it’s not shaped, honed, and synced up like it was. I think you’ve got to give Palmer and offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski

Shocking

credit for nursing this transition well enough to find enough points to get nine wins.

Wha..is he actually serious? Enough points to get the win? They’ve played badly in the last month, stop acting as if this has been some artfully crafted plan by Brat to “just win”.

A large part of the credit falls to the defense, but the offense’s ability to adapt to a new corps of receivers with a more effective, committed running game is also a huge factor.

Does anyone else notice how Hobs completely switches the question around here, spinning a negative observation into a positive one?

Maybe Billick is right. Maybe the bread-and-butter was those three-receiver sets that got those intermediate plays. But guess what? They don’t have those three receivers. And not only that, what did they get for going three receivers all the time? A lot of 8-8 seasons and Pro Bowl selections and Palmer getting pounded.

No, a good offense spoiled by a terrible defense and special teams unit. Not everything is related, people. The Bengals not having a top-notch offense this season isn’t the cause for their improved defense.

Laveranues Coles, the starter opposite Chad Ochocinco, is on his first year in the system and it shows. He hasn’t been much of an answer downfield, but he’s also flashed with some big plays and provides professionalism, not to mention a blocking talent that has helped the running game take off.

I’m going to have to switch things up mid-column here (a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan himself), and do something that firejoemorgan.com did well.

Hob’s Mind: I’ve been praising this Coles’ signing since it happened, so I can’t look like an idiot here. What’s that thing that’s good about him again? Um, oh! I’ve got it! He’s professional! But that isn’t enough. Maybe he’s a good blocker or something. I can’t really verify this, since I’m old-school and slam six-to-eight cans of Mikey’s specially imported Coors Light before the game, but who the hell’s paying attention anyway?

If Maurice Purify and Daniel Coats don’t drop red-zone TDs the past two weeks, are we having this conversation?

Hob’s Mind: The despair I felt as the Bengals squandered yet another red-zone opportunity made me wish to see the red color of life, blood. Yes, I think like this too.

Q: No true Bengals fan could ever take 9-3 for granted,

Hob’s Mind: Except for those non-well wishers at that god-awful revolution they have. I’m pretty sure the Crane Brinton model specifies that at this point in their so-called revolution, it’s time for the strong, devilishly handsome, stud leader of the old regime to step up and teach those who wish him pain and make fun of his oh-so-perfect old school ways a harsh but correct lesson. Damn them to hell– we’ll teach them. We’ll teach them.

JOHN: With a solid running game, great defense, and two-time Pro Bowl quarterback, nobody is going to want to play you in the playoffs. Agreed. The penalties are absolutely ridiculous and they can’t keep happening. If they play like they did the last two weeks, the Vikings will blow them out in the Metrodome.

Hob’s Mind: I’m going to get a couple of old school licks from Mikey for saying that, but I have to tell the truth some times. Now it’s time to make some stuff up for all of those critics. It’s time to get old school.

But I must now go and commit my mind to other challenging endeavors, such as creating a metaphor worthy of Mikey’s stature, and finishing my screenplay, “A Misunderstood Gentleman: How A Sense For Redeeming And Treating His Scribes Just Right Made One Man Larger Than Anyone Expected—Or Knew—Or Appreciated—Or Thanked Him For—– Except For One Special Guy.” I’m trying to get Todd Phillips as a director; without even checking my facts, I know he’s a guy who knows old school.

You’re looking for hope?

Ya, D-Bags?

How about a defense that barely gives up two touchdowns a game?

The defense is better, obviously, but I have to question using this stat to point its dominance out. It’s been helped by 1) Playing horrible, horrible offenses, and 2) Getting strong field position because of Huber’s punts. But why look at any of this? Only points matter, damnit. Using new-age stats like DVOA is so un-old school.

And, so far, to overcome the latest inane penalty.

As opposed to all of those penalties with meaning behind them.

Q: I am wondering how good are we really?

Uh, oh, Sam. You dareth question how splendorous this nifty Bengals’ band is?

But you’ll have your answer in the next two weeks.

In two weeks: “Sure, these two losses have hurt. But you know what? I’m an old school guy, similar to my flawless boss and lov—well no, it’s not time to announce that yet. But anyway, the Bengals have indeed been stale in defeat. There’s an old school guy saying, that only us old school guys know, that goes, ‘Replace that staleness with wonder. Wonder bread’. I must run now, as that modification of the official old school guy saying, although against the Orthodox Policy of Old School Guys Around the World (or as the new whippersnappers call it, the OPOSGAW), is instead of the perfect metaphor I’ve been trying to make in pleasing Mikey, the perfect pun. That’s my analysis, and that’s my final word: Book in. Now I’ll hit post, no editing being necessarily.”

He rambles a little bit, but pretty good.

So now let’s review a week 13, a week 13 in the league where they play…

…

…

FOR PAY.

Lost-Key Locks (Season Record: 19-14)

1) CINCINNATI -13 over Detroit

The regular reader(s) of these picks know that we here at the B Flow are Bengals supporters.  He/She/They also know that we almost always pick the Bengals game last in an attempt to walk through the other games first to get all of the ridiculousness out of our system.  Not this week.  It’s not so much that we’ve been sold on the “Striped Ones” – as per Peter King’s weekly set of bogus selections – recent performances as we are completely sold on the Lions’ recent performances…being terrible.  The team is currently ranked dead last in FO team efficiency rankings, pulling in at 30th on offense and 32nd on D.  They’ve got a head coach who appears to fawn over Kid Rock, and an injured quarterback and star wideout.  The Ocho has been begging for a few more balls, and I think he gets them this week.  “Striped Ones,” big, though if they do not come through count on an enraged dissertation of the idiocy of one Bob “OK, let’s hit ‘em with another run up the middle” Bratkowski’s playcalling…

2) New England -4.5 over MIAMI

Around this time you may be wondering: this gentleman just picked the Cincinnati Bengals as his number 1 lock of the week coming off of a moral defeat at home to Cleveland and a real one on the road in Oakland.  You think perhaps you might be better off going with Ray Romano’s selections, which NFL.com has graciously posted over on their website.  Everybody does love New England here, though, so feel safe for now.  Enraged/Embarrassed Belichick/Brady + Injured Dolphins QB/RB/DT/OL + the Bills (!!!) providing a blueprint for marine beatdowns = Patriots Day all over again.  I don’t even think we needed to make a lock on this one, the door is just welded shut.

3) San Diego -13.5 over CLEVELAND

We have been accused before of being a little to heavy on the favorites, but this was simply an opportunity we could not pass up.  The only possible reason the Chargers were not given a full two touchdowns over Cleveland is this man (note he is even losing to the Chiefs in this picture):

Still, as Mike Tanier amusingly points out in his excellent weekly picks rundown, the Bolts have scored 106 points over the past 3 weeks whereas the Brownies have scored only 102 over the last 10.  Mangenius can concoct schemes to keep him in games against the Bobby Bratkowski’s of the world, but the Norvenator excels at steamrolling inferior opponents where game management doesn’t come into play.  And now the obligatory MANGENIUS images!!!!  We’ll put it up to a vote, do we go with a new one??

Striking similarity to the man, isnt it?  Or do we stick with the original, the fan favorite, the one, the only: MANGINEON!

Browns fans everywhere, in the words of the immortal Joe Benigno, say it with me, “aww da pain.”

Regular Picks (Season Record: 68-55-1)

1) Minnesota -3 over ARIZONA

We’ve just realized several things.  First, we haven’t given you enough of Tiger’s cuckquean, so here you are and here you are:

Secondly, we’ve got to get a move on with these picks!!  This one is pretty simple as no Kurt Warner equals no win for the Redbirds as the QBWSNBN’s march to redemption continues. WHOAWHOAWHOA, late addition.  Did you know ANOTHER Viking was just pulled over for going over 100MPH on a highway?  What in the hell is going on over there?  Are they racing to be the first to get down to Orlando to “comfort” dear Elin post golf-club wielding assault?  I’m putting sources on this and will have some fun updates in this weeks Musings.

2) CAROLINA -5 over Tampa Bay

FINALLY.  FINALLY.  Finally we no longer have to witness Jake Delhomme’s miserable mug every Sunday, as it appears Matty Moore will get the start in Carolina this week.  John Fox may finally realize that if he simply runs the ball 3 out of every 4 plays he will be the head coach of a winning football team.  I understand DeAngelo Williams may not play, but as long as Jonathan Stewart does it won’t matter.  I understand Chad Millman has told us that the “sharps” are all over Cleveland and Tampa these days, and the Bucs may kill me yet with a late cover, but I actually think the Delhomme for Moore swap has the Panthers as an underbought value this week.  As a final piece of evidence, this was one of only two games this week where each of the Inside the NFL guys didn’t take the same team to win the game.  The first?  Phil “My Blonde Hair Bleach Prevents My Brain From Getting Oxygen” Simms took the Bills while Collinsworth and Sapp (I know, I know) took New York.  Minus-1 for Phil.  The second?  Phil’s going Gasparilla!!!  You know where we’re going.

3) Denver -5 over KANSAS CITY

I don’t like the Tribal Leaders, I don’t like coaches who spend excessive time in 8by8 offices with Charlie Weis (see Mike Tanier link earlier), and although I don’t love Josh McD, I will always take this, ridiculous as it is, over this, steer clear of that man…

4) PITTSBURGH -14.5 over Oakland

Apparently Mike Tomlin has had quite enough of the Steelers’ recent 3-game losing streak, as he has announced his team will be “unleashing hell” here in December.  I’m not sure what that means exactly, but the last time I heard anyone utter the phrase “unleash hell” something like this went down.  I believe Stewie Griffin may also have “unleashed hell” once on a playground against rival baby Bertram.  Here is Lamar Woodley’s take wherein we learn, sadly, there will be no flaming arrows, only blitzing linebackers.  To be fair, it’s awfully hard to envision Omar Epps,

reprising Russell Crowe’s Maximus now, isn’t it?  No matter, easy wins over Oakland come with make-it-at-home (in Pittsburgh) instructions – the team has won 10 road games in the last 10 years – so no flaming arrows required.

5) Houston PK over JACKSONVILLE

We’ve beaten the whole Jaguars non-home field home field theme to death around here, so let’s take a peek at this from the Texans perspective.  4 weeks ago they were 5-3, coming off 3 straight wins including one over red-hot Cincinnati on the road, and the talk of the pregame shows.  Now they are mired in a 3 game losing streak plus an apparently unhelpful bye, under .500, and staring at swirling rumors regarding the continued livelihood of their head coach.  What, really, has changed in those 4 weeks?  The Texans lost two games to the 11-0 Colts by a combined 11 points, and lost a prime time thriller at home to smoking Tennessee.  While it is true a real title contender probably would have won at least one or two of those games, I’m not sure how many other fringe wild card contenders were going to do a whole lot better.  With Jacksonville here, then Seattle, St. Louis and Miami it is entirely conceivable that 4 weeks forward from now we will once again be back where we were 4 weeks ago, with the Texans in the thick of the wild card race and the talk of the town.  It will take a win over New England – hopefully for them a resting New England – in the final week to get in, but we do believe that march back towards relevance begins  here with a comfortable win over the paper Jaguars.

6) Tennessee +6 over INDIANAPOLIS

It has become a bit of a chic pick to take the Colts to fall here, ending their run at 16-0.  That said, when have the Colts really ever been interested in 16-0?  The Colts are doing what the Colts do, finding themselves just one win away from an NFL-record 7th consecutive season with 12 or more wins.  They already hold the record with their current 6-year streak.  This year, however, they’ve done it not so much by being dominating, but by being good enough and quite lucky on more than one occasion.  We at the Flow respect Peyton Manning, but do not like him, never have from his days at Tennessee.  As the Sports Guy pointed out in his latest Power Poll, the Colts seem to be getting all of the breaks these days and it is infuriating.  I’m not sure if Vince Young’s re-found magic will pull out a win here or if Peyton will get a few more calls combined with his own astounding excellence and find a way to get to 12-0, but I do like the idea of it being close.  Another chance for the Flow’s “Colts Don’t Blow Out Intra-Division Opponents As Often” postulate to be proven correct.

7) Philadelphia -5 over ATLANTA

The Falcons without Matt Ryan or Michael Turner are not interesting, and despite the Eagles’ wariness, it’s hard to even see this game being particularly competitive.  Of more interest to me and possibly you is that the B Flow once mistakenly woke up one Mrs. McNabb at about 4am at the Borgata in Atlantic City when we mistook her room number for ours.  Here’s what we were up against:

Yikes!  Needless to say security and alcohol were NOT involved.

WASHINGTON +9.5 over New Orleans

I will not…yes I will, this is the proverbial letdown game, blah blah blah.  Of perhaps greater importance is the fact that somehow, some way, despite Chris Cooley himself being baffled as to how plays are called over there in the Potomac Drainage Basin, the Indigenous Peoples have become a Vegas darling, using their strong defense and game draining confusion on offense to cover spreads around the country.  You see?  The Shermanator lives!!!

9) CHICAGO -9.5 over St. Louis

Obligatory Jay Cutler huge stat game to make everyone think he’s good again.  Now, we were about to link to a standard Jay Cutler the brat picture, like this:

but we’ve just discovered that Jay shares his moniker with a bodybuilder, the one, the only JAY CUTLER!  While a Google search for “Jay Cutler” brings up way more info on the Broncos signal caller, if you pop on over to Google Image you will see that the weightlifter dominates the scene.  Maybe now I am starting to understand some of the emotional problems Jay is going through.  I would hate to Google Image myself only to see some dude up there all oiled up and jacked.  Gross.  Jay Cutler, you sir, are gross.  Both of you.

10) San Francisco -1 over SEATTLE

The Seahawks were pronounced dead to me a long time ago this season.  I will note again how much we Bengals fans are LOVING how miserable TJ Houshmandouche is over on the left coast.

That’s right, Teej, if you squint hard enough you can see the AFC North standings…  Get a haircut.

11) NY GIANTS +2.5 over Dallas

It’s General Coughlin’s last stand as the 6-5 G-Men look to salvage their playoff lives vs. the suddenly hot despite losing a hot girl as their spokeswoman Cowboys.  I’m not sure why I like the Giants here other than that they are a live, home dog, and they are desperate.  Desperate teams generally play well if they have any quality (see Baltimore last week), and I think the Giants still have some fight left despite the Antonio Pierce absence and Eli injury.  Do not bet this game with us, only against us.  MANNING FACE!

12) Baltimore +3 over GREEN BAY

THERE ARE SO MANY GAMES IN THESE NON BYE WEEKS!  My fingers hurt, and due to a new NFL rule I will no longer be able to play this week or next.  Fortunately, I’ve lied to my editors (there aren’t any so it’s easy), and will push through and continue next week.  As for this week, well, this is actually a really good football game between two really good football teams.  Football.  And you know how we deal with those, limited comments as you’ve probably read all about it yourselves in the standard previews.  Fun factoid for you though, before we go, did you know that for all of the fanfare we’re sure to get during Ray Lewis’ intro etc., it is actually the Packers defense that ranks number 1 in the NFL per the Football Outsiders statistics.  That combined with no Terrell Suggs, home field, and a new found running game behind Ryan Grant lead me to take…the Ravens.  Because I can.  And because they’re desperate.  And most importantly, because of reverse jinx factors…  ENJOY THE GAMES!

That is what you call a smokeshow.  And that’s what Tiger gets…on the side.  Interesting.

By the way, whenever the BFlow gets in a scandal, can someone make sure these are the types of pictures that get leaked?  I mean, really.  Google that girl right now, google image her and see what comes up.  Her in ridiculously trendy and hot city clothes and sunglasses when its dark out, and then this bikini babe shot from what appears to be somewhere in the Virgin Islands due to the water color and excess of sailboats.  When the Flow goes to St. Lucia in January we will make sure to take some ridiculous photos and email them over to tmz so that they’re on file should anything blow up.  Seriously, I don’t want any karaoke photos or any of that nonsense popping up, just get me, I don’t know, pounding a beer with two babes on a fishing boat in the caribbean wearing sunglasses after dark.  thanks.