From the wonderful Bengies website “Whodeyrevolution” comes this gem of a post, a breakdown of the “Hobson’s Choice” segment over on Bengals.com where site coordinator Geoff “I may or may not have left lipstick marks on Mike Brown’s dong last night” Hobson spews ridiculous homer responses to somewhat intelligent questions from Bengs fans everywhere. Again, this is from whodeyrevolution.com, the whole text copied below:
Old School^20
Hobson’s Choice! Hobson’s Choice! Hobson’s Choice!
Q: I know many fans recently have been questioning how bad the passing game has been. In the Lions game I heard coach Brian Billick talk about how Carson has been playing badly in our current system where he has to manage the game and be perfect on passing downs. Is that true and can the style of play really affect a QB by that much? Coach also said that our bread and butter has been the 15- to 20-yard passing plays with three wide receivers and we haven’t been playing to that system. What are your thoughts on this and in general about our passing game?
–John F., Columbus, OH
JOHN: It has to get better, obviously, but I’m old school on Palmer.
To emphasize this, he refuses to edit his work. It’s old school, bitches.
He’s 9-3 and that’s what you want out of your quarterback.
Yes, finally someone who gets it! The Cowboys won the Super Bowl in ’95, and that’s what you want out of your head coach. The Bengals are 9-3, and that’s what you want out of your extra-point game. Tiger Woods is the number one golfer in the world, and that’s what you want out of your husband (What a cultural reference! Topical!).
He throws TDs when he has to (Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Baltimore), he doesn’t throw many picks
He’s in the bottom-half of the league in interception percentage, but why let facts get in the way of a good old school argument?
and he’s tougher than Under Armour. I’m sure Ben Roethlisberger and Joe Flacco and Tony Romo and Matt Schaub and Kurt Warner and all the other guys that have numbers better than Palmer would trade them for his crunch-time efforts.
Because they’re incapable of doing the same, obviously. They don’t have the coolness, or the silent presence of a redeemed Tank Johnson, or the old-school arguments favoring them that are necessary when coming big in the clutch.
(Oh, and by the way: clutch is BS)
The problem with the passing game is not Palmer. The guy many people feel is his best receiver, Chris Henry, is out for the year, they lost the most reliable receiver in the NFL when T.J. Houshmandzadeh left in March, and the guy they drafted for the future, second-rounder Jerome Simpson, must not be able to pick up the system because he hasn’t been active for a game this year.
It’s not so much that the offense is different.
It is sooooo much this. The system has changed because of the personnel, but it surely isn’t the same. There’s no more no-huddle or three-wide sets incorporated into the gameplan, which is a large reason why the passing game is not the same.
It’s that Palmer is throwing to a different cast of characters than he was in 2005 and 2006. They’ve got talent, but it’s nowhere near where it was in the pass-happy days because it’s not shaped, honed, and synced up like it was. I think you’ve got to give Palmer and offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski
Shocking
credit for nursing this transition well enough to find enough points to get nine wins.
Wha..is he actually serious? Enough points to get the win? They’ve played badly in the last month, stop acting as if this has been some artfully crafted plan by Brat to “just win”.
A large part of the credit falls to the defense, but the offense’s ability to adapt to a new corps of receivers with a more effective, committed running game is also a huge factor.
Does anyone else notice how Hobs completely switches the question around here, spinning a negative observation into a positive one?
Maybe Billick is right. Maybe the bread-and-butter was those three-receiver sets that got those intermediate plays. But guess what? They don’t have those three receivers. And not only that, what did they get for going three receivers all the time? A lot of 8-8 seasons and Pro Bowl selections and Palmer getting pounded.
No, a good offense spoiled by a terrible defense and special teams unit. Not everything is related, people. The Bengals not having a top-notch offense this season isn’t the cause for their improved defense.
Laveranues Coles, the starter opposite Chad Ochocinco, is on his first year in the system and it shows. He hasn’t been much of an answer downfield, but he’s also flashed with some big plays and provides professionalism, not to mention a blocking talent that has helped the running game take off.
I’m going to have to switch things up mid-column here (a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan himself), and do something that firejoemorgan.com did well.
Hob’s Mind: I’ve been praising this Coles’ signing since it happened, so I can’t look like an idiot here. What’s that thing that’s good about him again? Um, oh! I’ve got it! He’s professional! But that isn’t enough. Maybe he’s a good blocker or something. I can’t really verify this, since I’m old-school and slam six-to-eight cans of Mikey’s specially imported Coors Light before the game, but who the hell’s paying attention anyway?
If Maurice Purify and Daniel Coats don’t drop red-zone TDs the past two weeks, are we having this conversation?
Hob’s Mind: The despair I felt as the Bengals squandered yet another red-zone opportunity made me wish to see the red color of life, blood. Yes, I think like this too.
Q: No true Bengals fan could ever take 9-3 for granted,
Hob’s Mind: Except for those non-well wishers at that god-awful revolution they have. I’m pretty sure the Crane Brinton model specifies that at this point in their so-called revolution, it’s time for the strong, devilishly handsome, stud leader of the old regime to step up and teach those who wish him pain and make fun of his oh-so-perfect old school ways a harsh but correct lesson. Damn them to hell– we’ll teach them. We’ll teach them.
JOHN: With a solid running game, great defense, and two-time Pro Bowl quarterback, nobody is going to want to play you in the playoffs. Agreed. The penalties are absolutely ridiculous and they can’t keep happening. If they play like they did the last two weeks, the Vikings will blow them out in the Metrodome.
Hob’s Mind: I’m going to get a couple of old school licks from Mikey for saying that, but I have to tell the truth some times. Now it’s time to make some stuff up for all of those critics. It’s time to get old school.
But I must now go and commit my mind to other challenging endeavors, such as creating a metaphor worthy of Mikey’s stature, and finishing my screenplay, “A Misunderstood Gentleman: How A Sense For Redeeming And Treating His Scribes Just Right Made One Man Larger Than Anyone Expected—Or Knew—Or Appreciated—Or Thanked Him For—– Except For One Special Guy.” I’m trying to get Todd Phillips as a director; without even checking my facts, I know he’s a guy who knows old school.
You’re looking for hope?
Ya, D-Bags?
How about a defense that barely gives up two touchdowns a game?
The defense is better, obviously, but I have to question using this stat to point its dominance out. It’s been helped by 1) Playing horrible, horrible offenses, and 2) Getting strong field position because of Huber’s punts. But why look at any of this? Only points matter, damnit. Using new-age stats like DVOA is so un-old school.
And, so far, to overcome the latest inane penalty.
As opposed to all of those penalties with meaning behind them.
Q: I am wondering how good are we really?
Uh, oh, Sam. You dareth question how splendorous this nifty Bengals’ band is?
But you’ll have your answer in the next two weeks.
In two weeks: “Sure, these two losses have hurt. But you know what? I’m an old school guy, similar to my flawless boss and lov—well no, it’s not time to announce that yet. But anyway, the Bengals have indeed been stale in defeat. There’s an old school guy saying, that only us old school guys know, that goes, ‘Replace that staleness with wonder. Wonder bread’. I must run now, as that modification of the official old school guy saying, although against the Orthodox Policy of Old School Guys Around the World (or as the new whippersnappers call it, the OPOSGAW), is instead of the perfect metaphor I’ve been trying to make in pleasing Mikey, the perfect pun. That’s my analysis, and that’s my final word: Book in. Now I’ll hit post, no editing being necessarily.”
He rambles a little bit, but pretty good.
