And we’re back!! After a one week Thanksgiving hiatus that was really 2 due to our lack of full picks in Week 11, the B Flow’s NFL Picks and ‘icks are set to make their triumphant return to the grand stage. Much has happened since we last walked through the world of football, though perhaps the nothing more relieving than what went down just this past Thursday when the University of Oregon’s cheerleaders – long considered the best looking group in collegiate sports by the athletes themselves – made it to the Rose Bowl thanks to their football team’s thrilling win over Oregon State. In the professional world, we’ve seen Drew “I’m Awesome” Brees doing a lot of this, even when he’s playing the Patriots. No truth to the rumor that our editors forced us to take a week off due to miserable picks performance and incendiary artwork like this side by side which resulted in Bills owner Ralph Wilson coming to his senses and firing Dick Jauron. We’ve also probably seen the last of our beloved Fatso, seen here in his Halloween costume, with the immortal Bruce “Easily The Most Unrecognizable Player in the League Who Immediately Becomes Ridiculously Hate-able When He’s Playing Your Team and Doing the Tebow Fistpump All Game” Gradkowski taking over the starting role. Fortunately, the Mangenius is still on command of the Cleveland armies, so the number one rated picture in BFlow history will be able to make another cameo today. ENOUGH JIBBER JABBER! Here is this week’s ‘ick, the lovely – and reverse cuckolded – Elin Nordegren: (is Tiger insane? Maybe not…)
So now let’s review a week 13, a week 13 in the league where they play…
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FOR PAY.
Lost-Key Locks (Season Record: 19-14)
1) CINCINNATI -13 over Detroit
The regular reader(s) of these picks know that we here at the B Flow are Bengals supporters. He/She/They also know that we almost always pick the Bengals game last in an attempt to walk through the other games first to get all of the ridiculousness out of our system. Not this week. It’s not so much that we’ve been sold on the “Striped Ones” – as per Peter King’s weekly set of bogus selections – recent performances as we are completely sold on the Lions’ recent performances…being terrible. The team is currently ranked dead last in FO team efficiency rankings, pulling in at 30th on offense and 32nd on D. They’ve got a head coach who appears to fawn over Kid Rock, and an injured quarterback and star wideout. The Ocho has been begging for a few more balls, and I think he gets them this week. “Striped Ones,” big, though if they do not come through count on an enraged dissertation of the idiocy of one Bob “OK, let’s hit ‘em with another run up the middle” Bratkowski’s playcalling…
2) New England -4.5 over MIAMI
Around this time you may be wondering: this gentleman just picked the Cincinnati Bengals as his number 1 lock of the week coming off of a moral defeat at home to Cleveland and a real one on the road in Oakland. You think perhaps you might be better off going with Ray Romano’s selections, which NFL.com has graciously posted over on their website. Everybody does love New England here, though, so feel safe for now. Enraged/Embarrassed Belichick/Brady + Injured Dolphins QB/RB/DT/OL + the Bills (!!!) providing a blueprint for marine beatdowns = Patriots Day all over again. I don’t even think we needed to make a lock on this one, the door is just welded shut.
3) San Diego -13.5 over CLEVELAND
We have been accused before of being a little to heavy on the favorites, but this was simply an opportunity we could not pass up. The only possible reason the Chargers were not given a full two touchdowns over Cleveland is this man (note he is even losing to the Chiefs in this picture):
Still, as Mike Tanier amusingly points out in his excellent weekly picks rundown, the Bolts have scored 106 points over the past 3 weeks whereas the Brownies have scored only 102 over the last 10. Mangenius can concoct schemes to keep him in games against the Bobby Bratkowski’s of the world, but the Norvenator excels at steamrolling inferior opponents where game management doesn’t come into play. And now the obligatory MANGENIUS images!!!! We’ll put it up to a vote, do we go with a new one??
Striking similarity to the man, isnt it? Or do we stick with the original, the fan favorite, the one, the only: MANGINEON!
Browns fans everywhere, in the words of the immortal Joe Benigno, say it with me, “aww da pain.”
Regular Picks (Season Record: 68-55-1)
1) Minnesota -3 over ARIZONA
We’ve just realized several things. First, we haven’t given you enough of Tiger’s cuckquean, so here you are and here you are:
Secondly, we’ve got to get a move on with these picks!! This one is pretty simple as no Kurt Warner equals no win for the Redbirds as the QBWSNBN’s march to redemption continues. WHOAWHOAWHOA, late addition. Did you know ANOTHER Viking was just pulled over for going over 100MPH on a highway? What in the hell is going on over there? Are they racing to be the first to get down to Orlando to “comfort” dear Elin post golf-club wielding assault? I’m putting sources on this and will have some fun updates in this weeks Musings.
2) CAROLINA -5 over Tampa Bay
FINALLY. FINALLY. Finally we no longer have to witness Jake Delhomme’s miserable mug every Sunday, as it appears Matty Moore will get the start in Carolina this week. John Fox may finally realize that if he simply runs the ball 3 out of every 4 plays he will be the head coach of a winning football team. I understand DeAngelo Williams may not play, but as long as Jonathan Stewart does it won’t matter. I understand Chad Millman has told us that the “sharps” are all over Cleveland and Tampa these days, and the Bucs may kill me yet with a late cover, but I actually think the Delhomme for Moore swap has the Panthers as an underbought value this week. As a final piece of evidence, this was one of only two games this week where each of the Inside the NFL guys didn’t take the same team to win the game. The first? Phil “My Blonde Hair Bleach Prevents My Brain From Getting Oxygen” Simms took the Bills while Collinsworth and Sapp (I know, I know) took New York. Minus-1 for Phil. The second? Phil’s going Gasparilla!!! You know where we’re going.
3) Denver -5 over KANSAS CITY
I don’t like the Tribal Leaders, I don’t like coaches who spend excessive time in 8by8 offices with Charlie Weis (see Mike Tanier link earlier), and although I don’t love Josh McD, I will always take this, ridiculous as it is, over this, steer clear of that man…
4) PITTSBURGH -14.5 over Oakland
Apparently Mike Tomlin has had quite enough of the Steelers’ recent 3-game losing streak, as he has announced his team will be “unleashing hell” here in December. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but the last time I heard anyone utter the phrase “unleash hell” something like this went down. I believe Stewie Griffin may also have “unleashed hell” once on a playground against rival baby Bertram. Here is Lamar Woodley’s take wherein we learn, sadly, there will be no flaming arrows, only blitzing linebackers. To be fair, it’s awfully hard to envision Omar Epps,
reprising Russell Crowe’s Maximus now, isn’t it? No matter, easy wins over Oakland come with make-it-at-home (in Pittsburgh) instructions – the team has won 10 road games in the last 10 years – so no flaming arrows required.
5) Houston PK over JACKSONVILLE
We’ve beaten the whole Jaguars non-home field home field theme to death around here, so let’s take a peek at this from the Texans perspective. 4 weeks ago they were 5-3, coming off 3 straight wins including one over red-hot Cincinnati on the road, and the talk of the pregame shows. Now they are mired in a 3 game losing streak plus an apparently unhelpful bye, under .500, and staring at swirling rumors regarding the continued livelihood of their head coach. What, really, has changed in those 4 weeks? The Texans lost two games to the 11-0 Colts by a combined 11 points, and lost a prime time thriller at home to smoking Tennessee. While it is true a real title contender probably would have won at least one or two of those games, I’m not sure how many other fringe wild card contenders were going to do a whole lot better. With Jacksonville here, then Seattle, St. Louis and Miami it is entirely conceivable that 4 weeks forward from now we will once again be back where we were 4 weeks ago, with the Texans in the thick of the wild card race and the talk of the town. It will take a win over New England – hopefully for them a resting New England – in the final week to get in, but we do believe that march back towards relevance begins here with a comfortable win over the paper Jaguars.
6) Tennessee +6 over INDIANAPOLIS
It has become a bit of a chic pick to take the Colts to fall here, ending their run at 16-0. That said, when have the Colts really ever been interested in 16-0? The Colts are doing what the Colts do, finding themselves just one win away from an NFL-record 7th consecutive season with 12 or more wins. They already hold the record with their current 6-year streak. This year, however, they’ve done it not so much by being dominating, but by being good enough and quite lucky on more than one occasion. We at the Flow respect Peyton Manning, but do not like him, never have from his days at Tennessee. As the Sports Guy pointed out in his latest Power Poll, the Colts seem to be getting all of the breaks these days and it is infuriating. I’m not sure if Vince Young’s re-found magic will pull out a win here or if Peyton will get a few more calls combined with his own astounding excellence and find a way to get to 12-0, but I do like the idea of it being close. Another chance for the Flow’s “Colts Don’t Blow Out Intra-Division Opponents As Often” postulate to be proven correct.
7) Philadelphia -5 over ATLANTA
The Falcons without Matt Ryan or Michael Turner are not interesting, and despite the Eagles’ wariness, it’s hard to even see this game being particularly competitive. Of more interest to me and possibly you is that the B Flow once mistakenly woke up one Mrs. McNabb at about 4am at the Borgata in Atlantic City when we mistook her room number for ours. Here’s what we were up against:
Yikes! Needless to say security and alcohol were NOT involved.
WASHINGTON +9.5 over New Orleans
I will not…yes I will, this is the proverbial letdown game, blah blah blah. Of perhaps greater importance is the fact that somehow, some way, despite Chris Cooley himself being baffled as to how plays are called over there in the Potomac Drainage Basin, the Indigenous Peoples have become a Vegas darling, using their strong defense and game draining confusion on offense to cover spreads around the country. You see? The Shermanator lives!!!
9) CHICAGO -9.5 over St. Louis
Obligatory Jay Cutler huge stat game to make everyone think he’s good again. Now, we were about to link to a standard Jay Cutler the brat picture, like this:
but we’ve just discovered that Jay shares his moniker with a bodybuilder, the one, the only JAY CUTLER! While a Google search for “Jay Cutler” brings up way more info on the Broncos signal caller, if you pop on over to Google Image you will see that the weightlifter dominates the scene. Maybe now I am starting to understand some of the emotional problems Jay is going through. I would hate to Google Image myself only to see some dude up there all oiled up and jacked. Gross. Jay Cutler, you sir, are gross. Both of you.
10) San Francisco -1 over SEATTLE
The Seahawks were pronounced dead to me a long time ago this season. I will note again how much we Bengals fans are LOVING how miserable TJ Houshmandouche is over on the left coast.
That’s right, Teej, if you squint hard enough you can see the AFC North standings… Get a haircut.
11) NY GIANTS +2.5 over Dallas
It’s General Coughlin’s last stand as the 6-5 G-Men look to salvage their playoff lives vs. the suddenly hot despite losing a hot girl as their spokeswoman Cowboys. I’m not sure why I like the Giants here other than that they are a live, home dog, and they are desperate. Desperate teams generally play well if they have any quality (see Baltimore last week), and I think the Giants still have some fight left despite the Antonio Pierce absence and Eli injury. Do not bet this game with us, only against us. MANNING FACE!
12) Baltimore +3 over GREEN BAY
THERE ARE SO MANY GAMES IN THESE NON BYE WEEKS! My fingers hurt, and due to a new NFL rule I will no longer be able to play this week or next. Fortunately, I’ve lied to my editors (there aren’t any so it’s easy), and will push through and continue next week. As for this week, well, this is actually a really good football game between two really good football teams. Football. And you know how we deal with those, limited comments as you’ve probably read all about it yourselves in the standard previews. Fun factoid for you though, before we go, did you know that for all of the fanfare we’re sure to get during Ray Lewis’ intro etc., it is actually the Packers defense that ranks number 1 in the NFL per the Football Outsiders statistics. That combined with no Terrell Suggs, home field, and a new found running game behind Ryan Grant lead me to take…the Ravens. Because I can. And because they’re desperate. And most importantly, because of reverse jinx factors… ENJOY THE GAMES!
