I’m baaacccckk! I’m sure you all missed me, but after a self-imposed 4-day hiatus from life, I have returned to my post as your number 3243546 source for NFL fun! I will spare you details, but suffice to say that Goldschlager and Jagermeister – combined in one – were involved. Anyway, week 3 was a good week for us stat-guys, the use of comparative box scores made for better predictions, and there was much learned! So let’s get to it:
What We Learned
1) Good lordy, lordy are the Cleveland Browns bad. Suffering scribe Joe Posnanski has gone so far as to openly question, and then confirm, whether Eric Mangini was the worst head-coaching hire in NFL history. It is quite possible. So far this season, the Bengals ugly Ohio stepsister ranks 32nd (dead last for you loonies who don’t know how many teams are in the NFL) in total offense, and 30th in total defense – ahead of only such luminaries as the Bucs and Texans (more on them later). They are coming off a nice 34-3 thrashing at the hands of the admittedly very good Baltimore Ravens, a game where they were outgained 479-186, and were a net MINUS 17 in first downs. Ouch, babe.
2) Ouch, babe part deux: the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!!!!! Seriously, try to name the head coach of the Bucs right now. Try. Don’t look it up. Tobes and I viewed a few minutes of their game with the Blue Man Crew this past Sunday and literally stared at him for 10 seconds, baffled as to why this gentleman was on camera, before I asked “hey, is that the head coach?” We didn’t know. Had to look it up. Yep, this guy is an NFL head coach, and you are not. Went ahead and pulled up our pal Raheem’s wikipedia page – as we did with Tommy “Tommy Boy rage-a-holic” Cable – to see just who this gentleman is, and let me tell you, it is LOADED with gems. First, it lists Morris as “Position: Head Coach, College: Hofstra,” no mention of what team, league, or college he might be the head coach of. Where, the BFlow wonders, is his 40-time? Next, we see a sparkling resume consisting of the following, listed chronologically to present: DB coach at Cornell for 2 seasons, DB coach at Hofstra for one season, something called a “defensive quality control” with the Bucs, a promotion to unclassified “defensive assistant” with Tampa for two years, then the coveted title of “assistant DB coach” with the Buccaneers for a season before finally being Defensive Coordinator at Kansas State, where his squads ranked 9th (30.8 PPG) and then t-10th (35.8 PPG) in scoring defense, and 8th (400.6 YPG) and then LAST (479.1 YPG!!!! HOLY CRAP) overall. Morris parlayed this excellence into a return to the NFL last season as Tampa’s DB Coach – the head DB coach this time – under Monte Kiffin. Somehow, and as far as we know Al Davis does not also run the Bucs, that resume earned Raheem Morris a head coaching job in the NFL. Shockingly, in a related story, the Bucs are 0-3, were outgained by the Giants last week by 397-86, had 1 first down despite giving up 21 entering the 4th quarter, and have a O-Rank (I just made this up now and will continue to use it, let’s call it total offense rank plus total defense rank, so the Browns, for example, would have a 62 “O-Rank”) of a putrid 56 (25 offense, 31 defense). Oh, one other thing. Despite two OK weeks from QB Pocket Amoeba to start the year (again, more on him later), Morris pulled BFlow’s favorite horrific pudgy pocketman after going 7-16 for 22 (!) yards and an INT through 3 quarters. This is defensible. Unfortunately, the Amoeba’s backup, erstwhile Marlins right-hander Josh Johnson, went 4-10 for 36 yards and a scramble for 15 yards against the Giants 8th string defense in the fourth quarter, leading Morris to inexplicably announce Johnson as the starter for next week. I can’t even make that up. A guy goes 4-10 for 36 yards against an 8th string defense in garbage time and this earns him a start. Ohh da pain.
3) Ouch, babe, part troix!!! That’s right, a 3rd ouch, babe!! This one goes to the Kansas City Chiefs, proud owners of the league’s 30th ranked offense (I guess Todd Haley’s system hasn’t “kicked in” yet…) and 21st ranked D. Last week, the Tribal Leaders were put down 34-14 by Kevin Kolb and Mike Vick, outgained to the tune of 420-196. They gave up 21 first downs to their 10, and threw in 10 penalties just for good measure. In case you didn’t think this resume was worth an ouch, babe, they lost to Fatso and the marauding Raiders in a game where he was, wait for it, 7 for 24 passing! Between these 3 teams we are really looking at a tough competition for worst NFL team in some time. Ouch, babe.
4) Leaving the dregs of the league is necessary at this point, but like a SCUBA diver rising from the depths, we don’t want to ascend too quickly, so let’s make a pit stop at the now impossibly overrated Titans. That’s right, the overrated 0-3 Titans. Take a quick perusal around the national media this week and there are stories abound about how Jeff Fisher is sending a memo to the league that “it’s not over yet” (from, you guessed it, the immortal Peter King), and that the Titans have a real chance to be the first team since the 1998 Bills (there, Bills fans, I said something nice about you) to make the playoffs after starting 0-3. OK, write this down. The Titans are not making the playoffs. They will be lucky to go 8-8 at this point. This team is not winning against Indy (5 total losses), not winning at NWE (6), not beating SD (7), and I don’t even think they sweep the newly feisty NFC West (give ‘em 8 right there). This is also assuming they don’t stub their toe once the rest of the season vs. the Houstons, Jacksonville’s, Miami’s, and Buffa-err, any of those teams of the world. These teams they’ve lost to so far are now the 1-2 Steelers, the 1-2 Texans, and the 3-0 Jets who – while we have discussed are wonderful defensively – have been showing some flaws and are not a lock as an elite team just yet. It’s not that the Titans are a bad team, it’s just I don’t think they’re some sleeping, 13-3 giant lurking under the cover of an 0-3 facade. They are who their record says they are, a pretty good, mediocre team. Pretty good, mediocre teams that start 0-3 in tough conferences like this season’s AFC don’t make the playoffs. Period.
5) New England is pretty good, but in a new way. The Pats actually showed a semblance of balance this past week against a Falcons D that, while hardly elite, is no slouch either. Also, take a look at that defense holding down the Falcons aerial and Turner attack! I guess Belichick can, in fact, coach, and when Brady starts clicking again – and I do believe he will – look out, this team will be a force. Very quietly they’ve assembled the number 5 offense and number 6 defense in the league to this point. Shhh… (side note: at the end of this article I will give you the full ranking of teams using O-Rank, it’s pretty insightful)
6) Baltimore is just freaking scary, OK, scary. It’s the Baltimore D we all know and love now added to the NFL’s number 2 offense. That’s right, the Baltimore Ravens offense – thank you, Cam Cameron – is currently the number 2 offense in the NFL. Not saying they finish there, but just that they have that potential should be scary enough. Amongst these guys, the Pats, the Giants, the Colts, and maybe the Saints, Steelers, and Chargers (Bengals, Jets, Packers, Vikings, Broncos, Cowboys, Bears, Falcons, 9ers prob don’t belong in that discussion yet) there are some serious, serious teams this season.
7) Houston Texans = fantasy goldmine for both them and their opponents. Sweeeet.
Some more quick hits here as we move along, but Peyton Manning is OK at QB I think.
9) F Jake Delhomme for screwing my Lost-Key Locks this week. I was smart enough not to take him in my picks league, but I felt OK about the selection all the way through the 3rd quarter Monday night. He’s just freaking pathetic. And where is the damned Panthers D? And Steve Smith is a whiny prima donna.
10) I know their defensive statistics were fueled this week from a pretty fluky 2-14 on 3rd downs by the Billsies, but at this point the Saints certainly look like a more complete team. At the very least their defense isn’t getting shredded like a Steamboat halfpipe in January this season. SNAP! Ohh, man I went there – I apologize. On the plus side, the 222 yards rushing to carry the offense whilst Brees was making a fuel stop in mortality this week was reassuring for Saints believers.
What we Still Don’t Know:
1) How the hell did I win my fantasy league last season? I mean, really? Through 3 weeks these have been my fantasy “hunches:” Week 1 – Ted Ginn = 2 points and now getting hammered by local press, Week 2 – Mark Clayton = 2 points and now largely 5th option in high-flying (still weird to say) Ravens attack, and finally the big one, Week 3 – Pocket Amoeba, fantasy sleeper = -2, that’s right MINUS TWO, points AND being benched for a Marlins pitcher. INCREDIBLE. You couldn’t even make that stuff about the Amoeba up! Can’t wait for the following two things this week: 1) to curse somebody on my opponent this week with a “hunch” plaudit, 2) to check out Josh Johnson (NFL version)’s wikipedia page. Over/Under on it’s word count? 125?
2) I know you’ve all be waiting on this. “Where’s the BFlow’s big Bengals comment,” you’re wondering. “Where is he announcing a welcoming of the Bengals to the NFL’s elite with that comeback victory over the Steelers and a team that is one miracle deflection away from being 3-0?” I’m right here in the “we don’t know” section, OK, because we just don’t know how good the Bengals are yet. Through 3 games they have the 24th ranked offense and 16th ranked defense, and have at times looked more miserable than ever albeit with moments of glory interspersed. I don’t want to say that this team isn’t as good as I thought it was, especially this week, but I’m just not sure. Then again, can’t say I thought they were THAT good. Sadly, the team does have the look of a feisty .500 team, no more. Anyone who saw them gain minus-10 first quarter yards against Pittsburgh and give up 373 yards of total offense knows that this team, at the very least, is not great YET. On the positive side they did run the ball well against the Steelers, and after a debacle of a first half the run defense stiffened (giggity) in the second half. Strange as this sounds, we will actually learn more this week as well as next. Bengals are really good if: they give the Browns a smackdown, and then compete with the Ravens in Baltimore. Bengals are not so good if: they beat the Browns close, and then get smackdowned by Baltimore. Bengals are total fluke if: they choke against Cleveland.
3) How good are San Francisco and Minnesota in relation to the rest of the league, not each other? It’s clear that both of these teams are pretty good (that’s a good thing for 49ers fans, not particularly noteworthy for Vikings fans), but it is not clear how good they are. Minnesota has beaten only San Francisco of note, and the 49ers have simply put themselves atop the early round robin of the NFL’s worst division. We won’t learn anything about the 9ers this week vs. St. Louis other than if they are remotely competitive without Frank Gore, but we should learn something about Minnesota on Monday Night in the QB-who-shall-not-be-named bowl. For what it’s worth I like the Packers a lot in that one at this point, read into that what you will re San Francisco.
4) And what of the Eagles? Proud owners of two romps, and regretful receiver of one of the same at the hands of New Orleans, how good, or not good, are the Eagles? Sadly, we shan’t find out until week 8, as the upcoming Birds schedule consists of: Bye, a tour de Pirates (TB and OAK), and then @ Washington before they get stuck with a real show-me sequence of NYG, DAL, @SD and @CHI. Just worry about getting McNabb and Westbrook back for week 8, Eagles fans.
5) Touching on this MNF game again, I am really excited for it for many reasons, none of which have to do with what color number 4 is wearing. I’m not sure yet how good the Packers are – they look really pretty in box scores, but I’m not convinced they’re a really good team yet. Not convinced they aren’t either, but let’s start with the Vikings…
6) Time to find out what Denver’s all about! They were everyone’s favorite laughing stock all offseason, and now, understandably, everyone is a little cautious to jump on the wagon following a 3-0 start over two laughingstocks and one question mark thanks to a fluke play. They host Dallas this week in a game to weed out one pretender, then host New England before traveling to San Diego. I know you’ve already read this everywhere this week, so I apologize, and will offer my B-strodamus prediction of events: 1) Denver beats Dallas, entire sports world overreacts, calls Denver awesome at 4-0, Peter King moves Broncos to top of his “fine fifteen” and annoints Josh McDaniels next presidential candidate since he is spawn de Belichick, 2) New England beats Denver close, causing more and more Bronco hysteria, King “master still bests pupil” story re Belichick and McDaniels, Adam Schefter reports Brandon Marshall has been arrested for smoking marijuana, Mark Schlereth calls him selfish, Merril Hoge says it doesn’t matter “this team is good on tape,” Don Banks notes what a “great loss” this was, and Peter Prisco continues to defend his preseason Bengals playoff pick by noting how this Broncos legitimacy shows how good the Bengals are despite them getting smacked 31-0 at Baltimore earlier in the day, and finally 3) San Diego issues the Broncos a 49-3 defeat, the Broncos slide to 8-8, and all is right in the world.
7) I will not address the Bears potential legitimacy this week following my earlier rants on their illegitimacy. Beating Seneca Wallace does not serve to provide meaningful data to further this discussion, especially when the game gave us such a magnificent Mora press conference. Me addressing the Bears this week? Not acceptable. We’ll take a look at everything, but you’re writing an NFL column, you give me that game, and then ask me to talk about the Bears? Not gonna happen.
Is Jacksonville really so bad? Or are they just really good against teams they know in their division and hideous elsewhere? Consider: now impressive close loss vs. Indy, 13-10, absolute embarrassment vs Arizona, followed by nice win over Houston 31-24 on the road. They get Tennessee at home – probably a disadvantage at this point considering about 12 people showed up last game – this week so we may not find out whether its just a quirky divisional thing or what, but I have a sneaky suspicion this Jags team isn’t terrible. I don’t mean 10-6 not terrible, I just mean not 4-12 not terrible.
9) I am getting tired and bored so now seems like a good time to bring up the Lions. Nice job on the win, Lions. That’s it, now return to irrelevance and PLEASE stop showing up on my TV during Thanksgiving. Thanks.
10) So you’ve made it to the end again, bravo! To continue a little tradition, here’s a quick prize for all of my most loyal reader(s). 
Sorry, late addition, the O-Rank rankings (ie combined offense and defense rank)
1) NY Giants (8 total)
2) Baltimore (9)
3) Denver (10)
4) (tie) New England (11)
4) (tie) New Orleans (11)
6) Philadelphia (12)
7) Indianapolis (16)
Pittsburgh (20)
9) Seattle (21)
10) (tie) Minnesota (22)
10) (tie) San Diego (22)
12) NY Jets (24)
13) Washington (28)
14) (tie) Chicago (29)
14) (tie) Tennessee (29)
14) (tie) Dallas (29)
17) Arizona (34)
18) Miami (36)
19) Cincinnati (40)
20) (tie) Green Bay (41)
20) (tie) Jacksonville (41)
22) San Francisco (42)
23) Buffalo (45)
24) (tie) Atlanta (47)
24) (tie) Houston (47)
26) Carolina (48)
27) Kansas City (51)
28) (tie) Detroit (54)
28 (tie) Oakland (54)
30) Tampa Bay (56)
31) St. Louis (57)
32) Cleveland (62)
